ninth exodus

2005-12-01T01:13:00.000+08:00

qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm

2005-11-30T02:00:00.000+08:00

names.

i wonder who came up with all this business of names. maybe god did. perhaps god called himself "god" because he felt that it had the ability to sound smooth, rough, flat, sharp all at once, depending on who enunciated it. rough like "goddddd" in a rough, uneducated baritone. smooth like "god" in the polished, accented falsetto of a telephone operator.

i dont know why these thoughts are crossing my mind. maybe its because i still havent really a clue about why i called this humble abode "ninth exodus". somehow, my explanation about me being partial to the number 9 and the word exodus is less than satisfactory. i guess the name "ninth exodus" flitted through my mind's window like an ostentatious butterfly would, and of course, my mind would have caught it and held it captive like a little boy would to a, well, ostentatious butterfly.

haha i think im making sense. and then again, maybe not. but its 2.16am and my brain has good cause to abandon all logical trains of thought.

2005-11-29T19:33:00.000+08:00

i purchased "sisters of the red death" by vendetta red two days ago. at $14, it was a steal, albeit it being second hand. but then! i think im morphing into a greedy gargoyle (?), what with my extensive wishlist expanding at an alarming rate. :(

the only ways to exterminate this are to either obtain a miraculous sum of approximately $23824284 or quell my materialistic desires. the former sounds tantalising enough, certainly, but nooo i guess i have to live with the latter.

this is bad. i dont know why im blogging about my insatiable greed, but there you have it. besides, im bored. like really really bored. i just read "a long long way" by sebastian barry. its a really memorable book, one that refuses to loosen its mesmerizing grip on you even long after you put it down. its about world war I, and the irish, and man, it sure rivals journey's end! speaking of which, i seem to have lost my copy of it. :(

i love stanhope. :D he's just so tragic. but willie dunne, the protagonist in "a long long way", doesnt seem too bad either.

i remember that we used to masquerade as the characters from journey's end in secondary two. i would be stanhope (but of course), joanne would be the youthful and naive raleigh and germaine would be the ever so steady osborne. haha those were the days.

(i sound like an octogenarian when i say that.)

im very fatigued, having slept at around 3am last night. my sleep was also plagued with disgusting nightmares, in which i chopped people's hands off and stabbed them in the stomach.

hmm perhaps i shall go jogging later. i need to invigorate myself.

2005-11-27T22:43:00.000+08:00

WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU LOOK AT?
My face.

HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE ON YOU?
I dont know. A few dollars? :(

WHAT'S A WORD THAT RHYMES WITH "TEST"?
Rest?

FAVORITE PLANT?
Sunflowers!

WHO IS THE 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST ON YOUR CELL PHONE?
Joanne.

WHAT IS YOUR MAIN RING TONE ON YOUR PHONE?
My phone's on vibration.

WHAT SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A Nike basketball t-shirt.

DO YOU "LABEL" YOURSELF?
Nope.

NAME THE BRAND OF YOUR SHOES YOU'RE CURRENTLY WEARING?
Adidas.

BRIGHT OR DARK ROOM?
Dark, haha!

WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT?
On the computer, browsing the web aimlessly.

WHAT WAS YOUR LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED ON YOUR CELL?
"No." :S

DO YOU EVER CLICK ON "POP UPS" OR BANNERS?
No.

WHAT'S A SAYING THAT YOU SAY A LOT?
"Fuck/Naogemaomaosao/Oh my god."

HOW MANY DRUGS HAVE YOU DONE IN THE PAST THREE DAYS?
A few panadols, perhaps four?

HOW MANY ROLLS OF FILM DO YOU NEED TO GET DEVELOPED?
None.

FAVORITE AGE YOU HAVE BEEN SO FAR?
5?

YOUR WORST ENEMY?
Myself.

WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
A Black JamisonParker grunge wallpaper.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SAID TO SOMEONE?
"Put the phone down" to my sister.

IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN A MILLION BUCKS OR TO BE ABLE TO CHANGE A MAJOR REGRET?
I would choose to change a major regret.

THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?
"A Joyless Euphoria" by Vendetta Red.

2005-11-23T23:05:00.000+08:00

Your IQ Is 120

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your General Knowledge is Above Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

im obviously illogical. :'(

hmmm i remember that i very much wanted to be classified as a genius in the past (IQ above 135 or 140 i think). not so that i could participate in complex genius-y stuff, but so that i could feel superior for once. but of course, it soon became all too clear that i wasnt, and am not, endowed with the gift of astounding intelligence.

haha man i was such a dickhead.

2005-11-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

glomp! (ning's word :p)

mmm i think im morphing into a rock. i mean, my entries are getting so detached and third-personish, and i dont like it when people tell me that my entries are too complex for them to comprehend. :( im glad that im receiving honest feedback though.

thus, i shall try to be more...entertaining! :D :D :D :D squeee!!!~~~~

hahaha well, at least i tried.

2005-11-05T20:19:00.000+08:00

damn. i just typed a whole entry and made the fatal error of clicking the "publish" button, only to realise that my computer had disconnected from the internet. urgh.

anyway, i helped out at the Manna Store at MYMCA this morning. i wasnt exactly excited to be roused at such an uneathly hour, but nevertheless, the cip session was extremely fulfilling. i enjoyed myself immensely, despite not being great shakes around little kids and the elderly.

Manna Store is a programme that enables less fortunate families to shop for household essentials at absolutely no cost at all. (i sound as though im an ambassador for MYMCA, but hey, that isnt a bad thing) i had helped deliver the items to the homes of the elderly, and boy, was it satisfying to see the radiant beams on the latter's faces! it is heartwarming to see these old folk appreciate every gift they receive, no matter how little or seemingly insignificant. this, in utter stark contrast to the materialism and superficiality that dominate and permeate our society today.

this is rather off tangent, but im pretty satiated because i managed to borrow four books from the library yesterday, namely "Holy Fools" by Joanne Harris, "The House on Eccles Road" by Judith Kitchen, "The Good Doctor" by Damon Galgut and "City of God" by E.L. Doctorow. hopefully, my avarice and urgent desire to purchase books will be slightly quelled. for the time being, at least.

i had a little spat with my mother on thursday night, and my anger and annoyance has not diminished. of course, i know that im partly to blame for what happened. however, despite my mother attempting to make peace, my recalcitrant personality adamantly refuses to bury the hatchet. i know that im not doing anything to ameliorate the situation, but im still fucking pissed.

its rather amusing to bloghop and observe the different styles of writing people adopt to share their views and goings-on with the general public. i have come to realise that blogging styles are not an accurate portrayal of a person's personality. who are we blogging for anyway? is it arrogance on our part to believe that people do harbour an interest for our daily affairs? or is blogging a reflection of our own insecurity? we generally hope that our various little cyber abodes are frequented and that comments are regularly made. all these, to enable us feel reassured that we are not forgotten, that there are people out there who remember that we actually exist. in fact, there are people who go as far as to beg for tags and comments. perhaps, our society has grown so cold and perfunctory to the extent that we require concrete evidence to believe that our existence is confirmed instead of being reduced into oblivion.

waves of insecurity and fear have been engulfing me of late. you know that i dont ever want that to occur. so please dont try.

2005-11-01T22:47:00.000+08:00

i guess you can tell that i got tired of the old layout really quickly. it was just too...brown. this current layout features the lovely Bright Eyes. anyhow, its been ages since i made a layout that adhered to the current "format", that is, without flooble scripts. :p

i dont know whats come over me lately. ive been eating like three men, and not doing anything remotely similar to exercising to compensate for my sudden inexplicable binges. damn, at this rate, ill be the butt of "mamma jokes" (i.e. your mamma is so fat that when she walks past the television, i miss the entire episode of the show!)

sob. im running out of books to read too. ive just devoured "one hundred years of solitude" by gabriel garcia marquez, "the rule of four" by ian caldwell and dustin thomasson, as well as "the guardian" by nicholas sparks. however, my current financial state does not permit me to purchase more books, and i do not quite like the gamut of books regional libraries offer. sob. :(

i desperately want to engage in volunteer or community work - my holidays are getting terribly prosaic and dull. anyone wanna join me? :D

2005-11-01T17:24:00.000+08:00

ive caught the random disease.

1. i absolutely loathe the heat. :(
2. i detest staying at home all day, without having any fixed schedule to adhere to.
3. im getting uber paranoid for no reason.
4. i feel redundant.
5. ive been eating alot of late and i dont know whats up with my stomach.
6. i am intensely craving for lindt's cognac chocolates. or gourmet chocolates.
7. i have currently no means to acquire them.
8. i want to go to london. at least, the sun wont be so much of a bother there.
9. i need to get more books as ive exhausted those currently in my possession.
10. im bored. :)

2005-10-19T00:27:00.000+08:00

i didnt know how to react, i didnt know what to say.

2005-10-17T21:39:00.000+08:00

new layout, featuring the lovely gemma ward, as well as lyrics from the song "coffee" by copeland. i <3 copeland. :) speaking of which, their new album is really tempting. hur.

the old layout was up for nearly four months - thats pretty long, considering my ever fickle nature. i get bored with most things pretty easily, i guess.

i know that this layout isnt all breathtaking and marvellous and such, but (as what i almost always say) im utterly devoid of inspiration. im no great shakes at art either; its already pretty hard to piece together something halfway decent to the eye.

there's been a recent uproar about blogging, what with some irresponsible bloggers manifesting their racist thoughts online without giving a hoot about others' feelings, especially those of minority communities. i had glimpsed at The New Paper a few days ago, and my heart sank to my very knees when i read about the public's views on blogging.

i now realise that many people feel that blogging is nothing but an overt exhibition of one's life, a flagrant ploy to gain sympathy and attention. the stark realization hit home when i scanned through the page where TNP readers are encouraged to submit their views on a particular topic.

what many do not realise is that blogging is a vehicle of self expression (i know that sounds cliched). it is also one's mouthpiece and arsenal against the many clashed and contradistinctive views of the world wide web. of course, blogging must be practised with sufficient responsibility and maturity, and the blogger should not be stupid asinine enough to post inflammatory comments that may result in detrimental consequences.

surely we cannot eradicate the modern art of blogging just to safeguard racial harmony and stability! singapore and her citizens must learn to grow up, take responsibility for their own actions and teach one another, instead of imposing fine after fine to prevent cataclysms from occuring.

okay. shant preach anymore. 'nuff said.

2005-10-16T20:35:00.000+08:00

recommendations
- i, lucifer by glen duncan
- flowers for algernon by daniel keyes
- perfume by patrick suskind
- lirael by garth nix

well, i devoured the aforementioned books for the past few days and find them to be nothing short of fantastic. flowers for algernon is an absolute tear-jerker. lirael is enthralling. i, lucifer is bloody satirical whereas perfume is morbid yet captivating. hur. i shall start on one hundred years of solitude by gabriel garcia marquez soon!

its almost funny how books can get me so excited. i guess i sound like a lunatic to some people out there.

im not roseate about the fye results that are about to come my way. somehow, i just have this presentiment that im gonna get killed, grounded or something. :( and i dont feel like going to school on wednesday. i seriously have no idea what pickle ball is about and strangely have no desire to learn more about it. but then again i always regret what i say .

been feeling kinda weird lately. i guess my thoughts and musings have more clout and cause more negative feelings to arise whenever i have a relatively lax schedule and no work to focus on. and i abhor being so dependent on work just to keep my mind off things. i dont want to be so vulnerable. reading does keep me entertained, of course, but i cant possibly keep my eyes fixated upon a book all the time, contrary to what some may think.

on a lighter note, theres a going to be a retreat tomorrow. i hope it turns out to be meaningful.

2005-10-16T11:24:00.000+08:00

trait snapshot:

messy, depressed, introverted, feels invisible, does not make friends easily, nihilistic, reveals little about self, fragile, dark, bizarre, feels undesirable, dislikes leadership, reclusive, weird, irritable, frequently second guesses self, unassertive, unsympathetic, low self control, observer, worrying, phobic, suspicious, unproductive, avoidant, negative, bad at saving money, emotionally sensitive, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, submissive, daydreamer

(results derived from similarminds.com)

this thing portrays me as an utter complete monster. :( i wouldnt say that its entirely true though, well at least i hope so.

2005-10-12T20:09:00.000+08:00

im still shaking, still shaking, from your betrayal.

I just dont understand
how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes
and tell me everything is wonderful now

2005-10-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

and so, the exams are now a thing of the past. well, the 2005 final year exams, that is.

of course, im swamped by relief as i dont have to stuff endless foreign facts and figures into my obtuse brain any longer. however, the days ahead seem to be nothing more than a mad, straight road - pretty purposeless.

i dont know why, but i dont appreciate towning and so forth as much as others do. of course, i do enjoy the occasional foray into the nerve centre of singapore once in a while, but such visits leave me feeling lost and bewildered more often than not. i feel that the pressure of being surrounded by people from all walks of life can be quite unnerving.

i want to make full use of the upcoming holidays. i dont know, perhaps i will probably try to engage in something useful and worthwhile. something that will be able to benefit people around me, and the community.

however, it remains to be seen if i can actually stick to my ideals and intentions.

i also intend to refurbish this site. i am contemplating purchasing a domain, but ah bleagh. having a domain would be far more convenient for me, though - i currently have more than three sites up on the world wide web. i also need to make a new layout - this current one has been up for eons.

i have once again realised that my entries are getting increasingly superficial. hahah i shall attempt to use my blog as a vehicle of introspection and reflection in future. my brain's too worn out to create more coherent and deep sentences now.

2005-10-09T20:53:00.000+08:00

The biology paper is in approximately eleven hours, no less, and im still trying my darnedest to remember what glucose is utilized for.

I don’t know- my brain seems to have been reduced to a mere grey blob without even an iota of memorizing power. Either that, or its been horrendously diminished to the extent that a few measly paragraphs on the functions of the small intestine can leave it wholly saturated.

I sure do envy those who do not have to sit for the biology, a math and literature papers. I still cant believe that the school crammed the three heaviest subjects into the miserable space of two days. Its utter insanity.

I am unable to further comprehend the mysteries of the biodiversity around me. Despite having slept for almost half a day already, all I want to do is to let my eyelids succumb to gravity and fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

If only I could.

2005-09-21T21:37:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i feel extremely thankful and grateful that im alive and sound, and especially so after witnessing the devastation hurricane katrina wreaked. however, at other times, i just want to throw it all away and end it all.

i dont know. fickle, fickle.

2005-09-18T23:48:00.000+08:00

this is oh-so-random, but there's a couple of things i need/want to do/achieve before the new year beckons.

1. survive the final year exams.
2. get a tan. (i look as if i have not seen the light of the day for decades)
3. purchase heaps of desired stuff.
4. successfully mentor (if im given the chance to) the FLL team.
5. do something about my room's current resemblance to ground zero.
6. pick up a new sport. (highly unlikely though)
7. actually get around to adhering to a regular exercise schedule.
8. lose weight. (5 or 6 kg, perhaps?)
9. start to maintain healthy diet.
10. *some text missing*

hur.

2005-09-11T23:26:00.000+08:00

well, NJRC is finally over.

those early mornings staring at respective computers blearily in somnolent stupors, the constant pigging out in futile attempts to keep those leaden eyes open, the frequent stayovers at one another's houses which always resulted in one or more members falling asleep due to sheer exhaustion and languor, the copious amounts of worrying and nail biting.

those nine months of arduous preparation have reaped some fruit. IJ garnered five awards in total - Best Programming, Best Learning Experience, Best Presentation, Most Creative Journal and Best Booth Design.

to be brutally honest though, our standard has retrograded. either that, or we have simply languished and stagnated whilst other schools have been taking big steps forward.

well, NJRC has taught me many things. first and foremost though, whilst preparing for the competition, i had an epiphany - i realised that i have an astounding ability to frustrate and annoy myself.

hur.

but im serious. despite how cliched this may sound, i have really gained a lot from this competition. and i really do appreciate and love each and everyone of my team mates. nexus will continue to live on.

(despite the plugs failing to electrocute those darned wings)

and now, its back to ever dreaded school. i am not mentally and literally equipped for the return - my homework mountain is still seemingly insurmountable at the moment. and by golly, look at the time! its half past eleven and i have approximately three exam papers to complete.

im no superman. (or woman)

thus, i can safely conclude that i will serve as tasty lunch for my teachers tomorrow. (now that reminds me of the orchard road body parts murder. sob.)

wish me luck.

2005-08-18T00:56:00.000+08:00

some teachers are just so despicable. so goddamned mentally rigid. so bent on establishing their authority, on putting themselves on pedestals to prove that they are able to wield some iota of power and command over us.

i seriously abhor that self-satisfied smirk of yours, you know?

well, yes, im probably just as unreasonable by criticising you openly (though there's no trace of your name anywhere in this post) on this little humble abode in the midst of the world wide web, but some things simply cannot be helped.

i personally feel that school rules, or rules in general, are completely and utterly asinine. basically, you guys are just stifling students of their usual behaviour for a few short hours; do students actually fastidiously adhere to these rules once the last bell rings? yes, students are expected to be mature enough to conform to what is expected of them, and to follow the cookie-cutter trend dutifully. sadly though, this isnt the case for most teenagers. we have yet to evolve fully to fit the mould. call me irresponsible, but hey, this is me only attempting to be objective. *cough*

lets just say that delle is one frustrated and annoyed child (now that has got to be quite the understatement of the era, but my english has been deteriorating steadily and i have been reduced to extremely deplorable vocabulary). argh.

2005-08-15T19:02:00.000+08:00

well, i didnt go to school today because i could hardly catch a wink last night. call that laziness, but if i cant concentrate during lessons, why even bother going? *points at halo* oh, but i wasnt feeling too mentally sound either. :S

the funny thing is, both joanne and audrey dreamt that i committed suicide. on the same night. as a result, they freaked out majorly when i didnt appear in school today. if thats not weird, i dont know what is. (quote johnny depp in charlie and the chocolate factory: this is so...weird)

i dont like how what were once relatively obscure bands are now gradually becoming mainstream, such as theory of a deadman, relient k, my chemical romance and fallout boy. i dont know why, but i just dont. :(

sigh. somethings missing again.

2005-08-13T21:54:00.000+08:00

i think ive gotten the flu bug, not unlike so many others around me. pity it always strikes only on weekends or school holidays; i fell ill over the recent five day break too. im cursed, i have to attend school, i suppose. :(

sigh i dont know, it seems as though august's just a shit awful month. why must all these things come at once?

GOD DAMN YOU

2005-08-08T20:12:00.000+08:00

i reek of greed. heh. i should think that my materialistic wishlist is expanding by the minute. bleagh.

anyway, daphne loves derby and the dresden dolls rock. <3

2005-08-02T20:57:00.000+08:00

i seriously do believe that i am currently suffering from a short-term memory disease, and i have sufficient evidence to substantiate my point.

firstly, i left my wallet in 3/8 yesterday. yet, i stubbornly maintained that i had brought it back to class, and that someone must have took it from my desk. kind samaritans returned my wallet to me today. needless to say, im rather ashamed and amused. (well, yes)

as for today, well, i left all my homework plus my biology textbook (i have a biology ca tomorrow) in school. i also misplaced many items. thus, i can safely conclude that my biology ca is a goner, and that my mind has seriously been twiddled with.

its only the second day of the month. yet, august seems to be bringing a spate of terrible events, ill occurences of all sorts. (think a series of unfortunate events) i shall not disclose their specifics here, but they are news i would certainly not wish to hear ever again.

i wonder what lies in store for me. my bad luck may just intensify with each passing day. i certainly wont be surprised if i end up paralysed or something by the end of the month. (no, seriously)

speaking of which, miss teow simply blew her top at us yesterday. she truly did overreact. we were trying to enlighten her about why we could not keep up with her questions, but it was all in vain (well, it did earn us a lecture). she got terribly worked up and started accusing our class of many things we did not do, or did not intend to do. she even went as far as to threaten to get another teacher to teach our class. well, my class is already notorious for sending miss jessica chua packing. illimitable and incorrigible, thats what we are.

its only tuesday (whats with all the seconds?) and im already so fatigued. i dont know why. its not even the peak period for competitions or studies. im worried that i wont be able to cope with the stress that will be inevitable later on in the year. bleagh.

im really looking forward to the national day holiday. perhaps itll be a break, albeit a short one. i desperately want to sleep. but then again, maybe not. there's still so much to be accomplished, so many things that ive been putting off since god knows when. i guess its high time i paid my dues for my procrastination.

helped out with the inter-house wall painting competition for national day today. it was pretty fun, though im quite certain that i sort of destroyed green house's wall. but oh well. =|

bleagh. im tired, i cant string words together to form sensible sentences anymore.

2005-07-30T14:56:00.000+08:00

drama night. well, the ij play was quite good (extremely scandalous, i must say), but i cant say the same for the sji one. i think it was supposed to be poignant, but somehow, the audience was roaring with laughter at nearly every sentence uttered.

joanne did extremely well, as "shelly", and "sam" (a secondary two girl) was excellent too. :) really brilliant and convincing acting.

went to newton circus for some supper after the show (i had skipped lunch and dinner and was starving)we ate till approximately 11.15+ pm. and my mother kindly agreed to fetch me from there.

it was pretty enjoyable i suppose, save for the fact that something was missing. :( but sigh, never mind.

2005-07-28T20:29:00.000+08:00

once again, i have wasted my time on a new layout. (my blending skills still leave much to be desired for) and once again, i am blogging when i am supposed to be tackling the long-overdue mountain of work i have not completed.

i guess i will not update this journal as often as before. i do have other online journals, and i think that it is best to scatter my posts (to deter stalkers, flamers or whatsoever). i think that i also ought to conceal my more depressing/angsty posts. i guess you can say that this journal is far more commercial than the others, whose urls remain yet to be disclosed.

well, its drama night tomorrow, and i am pretty excited - for joanne, of course. she'll do well, though. i know it. :) not forgetting to mention audrey and the other 3/4 guitarists. good luck to all of you! break a leg!

i am absolutely not looking forward to dressing up, though. :( urgh.

school's been hunky-dory, i suppose. however, my brain cells seem to be depleting at an alarming rate; ive been failing an alarming number of tests lately. perhaps im suffering from terminal memory loss, or something. whatever it is, this isnt good news at all. :(

all i want to do now is to sleep my life away. am also inexplicably exhausted these past few days. now, what would i give to crawl under a rock and hibernate forever?

probably anything.

oh yes, talking about satan, i would dearly love to get my hands on the album "get behind me satan" by the white stripes. anyone care to buy it for me? perhaps satan himself/herself would. and "dont believe the truth" by oasis too. :p

2005-07-21T21:05:00.000+08:00

and i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think that they'd understand
when everything's meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

heh. everything's just falling apart. dont pin your hopes too high.

(this blog is far too depressing. sorry.)

2005-07-19T20:56:00.000+08:00

[edit]
what have i done? i guess i deserve all these. oh joy. kill me.
[/edit]

Avalanche is sullen and too thin
She starves herself to rid herself of sin
And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
And she says:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Chris is all dressed up and acting coy
Painted like a brand new Christmas toy
He's trying to figure out if he's a girl or he's a boy
He says:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin
And when she does relief comes setting in
While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes
She sings:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

2005-07-18T20:32:00.000+08:00

the world is spinning spinning spinning so fast. and then its falling apart in front of my very eyes.

sigh. it seems as though no matter how hard i try, i inevitably fail. no matter what i say, or do, i just cant seem to get my point across. so much for being a literature student.

im trying so hard, i really am. but i fail, time and time again. everything i say gets misintepreted, and i end up sparking quarrels. but that's just so me, eh? just someone who spawns dissent and nothing else.

i dont believe in god anymore. god wouldnt subject people to this sort of torture. and if there was a god, surely he would help me to help those who are suffering. and not make me constantly exacerbate their problems.

and i know that im stressing other people too, without me meaning to. and im truly sorry, ill try not to interact next time.

i know that i seem to be wallowing in self pity and self loathing in this post. but het, maybe thats what im doing. and maybe thats what im best at, after all.

im sorry, i really am.

2005-07-17T22:59:00.000+08:00

fuck you, delle. fuck you. you didnt do enough. you never did and never will. you cant even help. wow. i cant believe that you thought you actually could.

-----------------------

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Delle has left lots of white space on the right side of the paper. Delle fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion. If this is true, then Delle has an unhealthy relationship to the past and has a fear of moving forward. The right side of the page represents the future and Delle seems unwilling to face the fear of getting started living now and planning for the future. Delle seems to be clinging to past events and spending lots of time thinking about what happened. It would be best to leave the past behind and move on. Stop crowding that left margin.

Delle is having a lack of physical energy at the time this handwriting was written. If someone has very short and straight down lower loops (like in the y or g), this indicates this person's physical drive (activity or sex) is compromised. Usually, this indicates the person simply isn't interested in getting too physical right now. This could be a temporary mood which often happens when the body is sick and is healing. Or, this could be a result of an emotional or physical issue that is effecting Delle 's energy level and interest in sex. Sex doesn't seem to be a priority at the moment.

In reference to Delle's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Delle slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Delle can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Delle will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

Most people with a severe leftward slant have some type of childhood trauma they have yet to work through. Since we didn’t actually “see the writing”, we can’t tell if she actually has a hard left emotional slant, but if so… she has issues with trust and it is likely rooted in childhood. Delle has withdrawn into herself. She is reserved and shows her feelings only at times of great anger, extreme passion, or tremendous stress. Delle is an introvert. She makes decisions based on logic, therefore she is rarely impulsive. She doesn't find any need for expressing her emotions. In fact, she probably sees this emotional expression as an unnecessary waste of time. She has a hard time relating to an extreme extrovert, although it is common for her to be attracted to one. Many people do not understand Delle; it is difficult for them to really know how Delle feels. Delle enjoys being alone, and probably prefers working alone. Working with her hands is a pleasure. Delle's basic nature is to look out for herself first. Although she can and does feel emotions, perhaps as deeply as anyone, she just almost always harbors them inside. The first time someone angers Delle, she probably will not say anything to that person at that time. However, she will mentally keep track of everything this person does wrong to her until she cannot hold her emotions inside any longer. Then; Boom! Delle will cloud up and rain all over them. And she will never regret telling someone off, because she knew what she was saying the entire time. She won't impulsively tell someone off. Emotional stories will not sway Delle. She thinks totally with judgment, first considering every situation by the effect it will have on her. Delle needs space and time alone. She will be much more efficient if given a job alone, rather than being surrounded by people.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Delle doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

2005-07-17T21:13:00.000+08:00

[edit]
sigh. what did i do to incur your sarcasm and wrath? :(
[/edit]

i think im utterly dysfunctional. i mean, i dont appreciate and enjoy things that most people do. like having close relationships, for instance.

i dont appreciate building and sustaining close propinquities with most people. being in too close a proximity (well, not literally, of course)makes me distinctly uncomfortable, to say the least.

and thats just plain weird. other people crave for solid relationships and do whatever they can to attain that. i, on the other hand, assiduously avoid doing so. sigh, i dont know.

perhaps i steadfastly avoid getting too close to the fire for fear of getting burnt. but that's just always me, isnt it? never the adventurer, never indiana jones.

and i feel guilty for being this way. because i cant satisfy the people around me, the people who desperately wish to spawn stronger relationships with me. and im sorry, i truly am.

2005-07-16T17:18:00.000+08:00

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE ROCKED. <3

despite leaving me sobbing uncontrollably as a consequence. :( now i cant wait for the next book to be published, though it will probably take another few eras or so. :(

to all those who have not gotten their hands on the book - you guys are missing out on a lot.

the book's slightly shorter than the order of the phoenix, but it was good nonetheless. some people may have found/find the first part too long-winded though. but being delle, i loved and devoured every detail. :) many answers were revealed, and they were all pretty unexpected. the ending's rather a cliffhanger though. :(

AND im bloody heartbroken. :( i'll probably take eons to get over my grief. i was perfectly down in the dumps for weeks when sirius died. i shant add any spoilers here though: go read the book to figure it out.

[edit]
its funny how people react with such incredulity and amazement when i say that i finished the book in around 5+ hours. it isnt very fast, if you really think about it. =/

im still so miserable about the tragedies that occurred in the book. :( bleagh.
[/edit]

2005-07-13T21:38:00.000+08:00

I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fuckin special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here, ohhh ohhhh

[creep by radiohead]

damn i love radiohead. <3

music seems even more therapeutic all of a sudden.

2005-07-12T00:20:00.000+08:00

im swamped by terrible guilt and fear. this awful vortex simply engulfs me; it tears at my senses and demands to be ameliorated. unfortunately, i cant find a remedy. no cure for this sickness. and i still wonder why im wallowing in fear and not really making an effort to do anything about it.

damn. im scared. so bloody scared. and this makes me question my very worth and existence, things that ive been constantly preaching about to others. its a wonder how i cant seem to swallow my own antidotes.

sometimes, im so frightened of so many things, and the world seems to be crashing down on me. however, at other times, the world goes by in its perfunctory manner, and everything seems to be all fine and dandy. and then i dont know what im frightened of anymore.

2005-07-10T00:38:00.000+08:00

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

[paperthin hymn by anberlin]

i love anberlin and jack's mannequin. <3 <3 <3

and yeah, sorry everyone, for being such a wet blanket these days. i think i'd better stop sounding so harassed and stressed on my blog. ;)

2005-07-08T19:32:00.000+08:00

summer dies here and so could I somewhere underneath
where the ground is made of stars and everything unclean
your opaline is everything I see
your opaline brings me to my knees

[opaline by dishwalla]

im fucking tired of being so tethered, so chained to your will. i think im coping pretty fine - its not as if my schedules killing me or whatsoever. its you and your over-the-top paranoia thats not making any sense at all. or dollars, for that matter.

its only a matter of time before one of us blows. and i cant help but feel that it just may be me.

---------------------

im feeling really guilty. i havent contributed enough to everything, every single thing. i have not completed the tasks im required to, im so far behind schedule, despite being able to find time to sit and stone in front of the computer every night. oh, the irony of it all. walking paradox, i am.

i used to be able to write stories/reports/other stuff without any trouble - the words used to flow as easily as water from a tap. (an unclogged tap, that is) however, i seem to have lost that ability to write lately. it's as though my brain really did hop onto a one-way plane to timbuktu or something.

and you exacerbate my inferior complex when you start talking about that. i cant help but feel annoyed whenever you so much as mention it, despite my being able to disguise my vortex of emotions behind an indifferent facade.

and yet, i have simply no right, no right at all, to feel this way.

2005-07-06T20:31:00.000+08:00

And you're the grim reaper staring down
And letting me feel this way
The ocean whispers but never told me
You'd leave me this way
Leave me this way

[eleven by taking back sunday]

god dammit, its such a heartbreaking song. :(

im so worried, this time especially so for next monday - its do or die. i have a terrible aversion and unadulterated fear of failure, or so it seems. its supposed to be oh-so-easy-peasy, no worries. heck, it IS easy. but i just cant seem to achieve what's needed. i cant even surpass the bare minimum threshold. what a terrible letdown.

im so scared. sigh.

2005-07-05T20:13:00.000+08:00

This is me with the words
On the tip of my tongue
And my eye on the scope
Down the barrel of a gun
I’ll never act this way again

[Taking back sunday - timberwolves at new jersey]

im tired. i really am. soldier on, soldier on, thats what everyone says. but i cant soldier on no more. im just so tired of everything, this monochromatic everyday fatigue. i guess i have to count my blessings, though.

break these defences
i wont get no more chances

i feel so aged, so very old. but then again, i know for a fact that im really immature and shallow, as compared to others. im certainly a walking paradox, eh? so sick, so sick of being tired. and so tired, so tired of being sick.

im feeling like a social outcast for no particular rhyme or reason. i dont really know why. its probably just insecurity overwhelming me and obscuring my senses again.

i shant ramble on, its boring all of you to death.

on a lighter note, my love for dishwalla, death cab for cutie and taking back sunday has been intensified. <3

2005-07-03T23:46:00.000+08:00

i went swimming and jogging today, and surprise surprise, i was tired out pretty quickly. i desperately need to go on a crash diet, shed those fats. HAHA.

lately, it seems as though my blog's becoming really popular indeed. why, even a TJL wannabe has commented! this is oh so exciting.

2005-07-03T00:52:00.000+08:00

this is what happens when i get bored. its avada kedavra to the old layout and accio to a new , albeit as disgusting and simple, one. (okay, i think hp is really getting to me)

well, lets just say that i found the last layout too...tranquil. and it really didnt suit me at all. i needed something more angry, thus i incorporated red and black, which, not coincidentally, happen to be my favourite colours too. the layout is still too simple and basic though.

i hate school and i hate being treated like a fool.

2005-07-01T21:48:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure what's worse
The waiting or the waiting room
"Your next sir" becomes a cruel taunt to you
Recycled air, the smell of sleep and disinfectant
Your God is a two door elevator
Do they even cure you
(cut me open drug me)
Or is it just to humor us before we die
(Repair all my defects)
If only we could heal ourselves
We wouldn't need to be hooked up to these machines
Let's redefine what it means to heal

[Accidents by Alexis On Fire]

2005-06-29T19:57:00.000+08:00

[edit]
what do you think i am, a stand up joke? perhaps i am, but thats beside the point.
[/edit]

Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behavior.

Being a somewhat gentle, emotional and sensitive person, you are at this time experiencing a considerable amount of tension. What you really need is someone who can be close to you and to listen to what you have to say.

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

Perhaps in the distant past your trust and belief in your fellow man was misplaced and you can now no longer accept anything as it appears to be. You are untrusting and you insist that before you commit yourself to anything, you examine the pro's and con's with critical discrimination. The situation has now progressed to one where you are apt to disagree yet not make any form of constructive criticism to every suggestion that may be put to you. As a result you are in limbo. There is a saying that goes 'The past does not equal tomorrow'. Think about it - and let go.

its pretty accurate, i guess. click [here] to visit the site.

2005-06-28T20:22:00.000+08:00

i always say i'll try, but always never fail to break my promise. and im sorry. truly i am.

2005-06-27T19:54:00.000+08:00

[edit]
why do i confide in here really? because theres nobody left to tell.
[/edit]

i do believe that i have developed a severe allergy to school. that, or im suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome. would you believe it - 5 minutes into the first lesson of the day (biology) and i could feel my eyelids morphing into solid iron. i daresay it was a tumultuous struggle keeping them open for the rest of the day.

im so tired of school already. and it doesnt exactly help when the teachers are harping on about the final year exams, that happen to be just around the corner, or so they say. absolutely brightens up my day, no?

im so exhausted despite having done hardly anything. perhaps its all purely psychological, but i cant help it either way. weak of will, weak of mind. and knowing that theres over a hundred more days like this to endure is disheartening, to say the least.

everything is just so clockwork, so mechanical. im so tired of this confusing sick cycle carousel. again and again and again. and i can never seem to find my way. does this perpetual labyrinth have an exit?

2005-06-26T13:22:00.000+08:00

i hate school. urgh. just thinking about it, realising that i'll be trapped in the horrible classroom all over again in a mere few hours time makes me feel all clammy and sick. i think i have some anxiety disorder. or maybe my imagination is just exacerbating everything.

yeah, what do i want?

argh fuck it. this is so difficult.

2005-06-25T20:17:00.000+08:00

If we cut out the bad
Well then we'd have nothing left
Like I cut up your mouth
The night I stuffed it all in
And you lied to the angels
Said I stabbed you to death
If we go at the same time
They'll clean up the mess

ive just realised that this layout is too simple, but guess i'll have to put up with it for the time being. i am absolutely devoid of any inspiration whatsoever. i was just so tired of the other one, and also wanted to try out new scripts. :(

schools starting again. oh, the horror. this is so cliched, but its seriously funny how fast the holidays seem to pass me by, whereas time drags ever so slowly when im stuck in the sweltering classroom.

school will especially suck more, because of undisclosed reasons. im just hoping that the upcoming competitions will help to take my mind off things, and enable me to drown in work. it may seem strange, but i like work, somehow.

im so tired of this monotony, this sick cycle carousel. i want to go somewhere far away and never return. but it aint plausible, unfortunately. so im trapped.

2005-06-24T00:07:00.000+08:00

a whole new layout. :) i was getting really sick of the old one. old habits never die hard, eh?

its 12.06am and i havent bathed. the layout took me some two hours to create and code, despite its apparent simplicity. i need to practice.

2005-06-17T23:56:00.000+08:00

Don't know what I was looking for when I went home
I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say,
"You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear,
and empty handed after two long years

im terrified.

2005-06-16T20:00:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i just loathe myself with every fibre of my being. sigh.

2005-06-12T14:10:00.000+08:00

phew.

2005-06-09T00:35:00.000+08:00

i wonder why i have to be always the one hiding it all, putting on a brave facade. because sometimes, i do need to crash and burn too.

2005-06-06T23:52:00.000+08:00

the famine camp rocked. :) i want to attend it again next year!

please dont. i know it all seems really hard now, but this isnt the most sensible option. i may be letting my personal feelings obscure all logical reasoning, but my gut insists that this isnt a good idea. its far too long. and really, it may seem quite impossible to start working again, but i dont want to leave you behind. so please, just start again. i'll perpetually be behind you, helping you to get back on track.

i feel so lousy. i just want to crawl into a hole to hide and sleep forever. im being a clingy coward all over again.

and this time, the black wave seems to be everywhere. it permeates my very bones, even during the unlikeliest times. i dont know, i just seem to degenerate a little more with each passing day. i get anxious and upset over the smallest things. and my tear ducts are happily working overtime for some strange reason. hell, i dont even know what im afraid of sometimes.

and people all around me are falling down, like toy soldiers. and yet i cant seem to bring myself to help them. i cant even overcome my own immature fears. how can i save others when i cant even save myself? and im always swamped by guilt when i am unable to help them, though my guilt is slightly unfounded. and i feel bad for being the weakling that i am, for having to succumb to this emotional turmoil raging within me.

sigh. ignore this entry. its just another of my insane and intuitive posts.

and i dont want the world to see me
cos i dont think that theyd understand
when everythings meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

2005-05-31T18:58:00.000+08:00

eternal heartbreak. :(

i cant. i cant. i cant. and you know it. so please dont force me. perhaps you can. and i'll be glad.

2005-05-31T08:38:00.000+08:00

oh my god you bitch.

2005-05-29T21:20:00.000+08:00

lets have a nice clean cut
like a bag we buy and divy up

ive got the peter pan syndrome. i dont want to grow up at all. i was in far east plaza this afternoon, and as i stood in line for some food my mother wanted to purchase, i couldnt help but observe the faces, the actions of the many adults from all walks of life around me. it seems as though misery and depression heightens with age. or is it fatigue? fatigue of the very lives we humans lead?

i guess we all get tired of waking up every morning and smelling the coffee, the bitter aroma that jolts our dulled minds out of our somnolent stupors, a sharp reminder of reality's bite . tired of watching the golden chariot in the sky travel perfunctorily from east to west. tired of life.

i dont have to be an adult to experience this fatigue that wears to the bone. because i am already exhausted.

all these stuff is just too mundane, too digital. we start to think in ones and zeroes. its all starting to become either this or that. white or black. defined with thick, bold strokes of the brush. grey simply just doesnt exist anymore. but what's the good of it all when im perpertually stuck in between? does this mean that time will erode my presence too?

*****

on a lighter note, my mother was sure in a great mood this afternoon. my pretty reluctant trip to far east reaped me two new shirts and a book. :) one shirt says: abnormal child behaviour

and i think that must mean something, eh? ;) oh well.

its weird how i can give up on myself so readily and adamantly refuse to let my faith in others waver.

2005-05-27T22:02:00.000+08:00

i desperately need something that can knock me out, literally, for days on end. be it a physical or chemical source, i dont give a damn. just give it to me.

*censored*
it feels good. its an insane addiction. and the best part of it all is that its all too inconspicuous.

its...eating. HAHA

2005-05-25T10:37:00.000+08:00

im ill and i want to sleep. but sleep isnt coming easy. nightmares and all sorts of weird dreams are constantly plaguing me. and mr and miss headegg came for another visit. i think im going mad. :(

2005-05-24T18:46:00.000+08:00

"you cannot hide from time. you can hide from kings and emperors, and possibly from god, but you cant hide from time. time follows our every move, because everything around us is immersed in this transient element. time doesnt pass, and time doesnt tick. we are the ones who pass, and our watches tick. time eats its way through history as silently and relentlessly as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. it topples great civilisations, gnaws at ancient monuments, and wolfs down generation after generation. thats why we speak of the ravages of time. time chews and chomps- and we are the ones between its jaws."

[an excerpt from "the solitaire mystery" by jostein gaardner]

i think that the aforementioned excerpt is really true.

oh well. had netball carnival today. it wasnt all that bad, but it wasnt all good either. we lost more than we won (well, obviously, with me in the team), but we did have a lot of fun. and i must say that the class spirit strengthened considerably- it was almost tangible at times. and this can only be good. i love the netballers. :)

im quite sunburnt. :) at least my face will have some hint of colour, albeit fleetingly. and i think im down with flu as well. yay. (and that wasnt meant to be sarcastic)

im tired. i shall end this abruptly.

[edit] 9.39

ive just realised that what i used to do in the past seems so trivial as compared to what im doing now. the past stuff is merely the tip of the iceberg. i just never realised how much more there is underneath.

just a little bit more.

[/edit]

2005-05-23T00:01:00.000+08:00

im retarded, retarded, retarded. argh.

thanks.

2005-05-20T23:42:00.000+08:00

im so terribly dog tired, yet theres a thousand thoughts racing through my mind. and this state of fatigue cum desire to sort out the vortex of emotions im currently experiencing leaves me in this trance like stupor.

sigh. i cant even blog properly now. my brain feels really obtuse and i really wish that someone will just knock me out with a sledgehammer.

i think im going back to that habit again. old habits never die. and i guess this particular habit will never cease to haunt me, too. its just, pleasurable.

im tired. but then again, i have hardly any reason to be tired, save for the teeny little bit of netball ive been engaging in for the past few days. i want to sleep perpetually and never wake up or something.

vindicated
i am selfish
i am wrong

2005-05-19T22:01:00.000+08:00

received yet more results today. it is yet another miracle that i actually passed my elementary mathematics. however, biology didnt make me too happy. oh well. sciences arent exactly my forte. (what is, anyway?)

my monotony indicates that im rather resigned to the fact that im going to do really badly for mid years. i guess i'll just have to try and work harder for end years. however, it remains to be seen if i can stick to my new resolution and achieve better grades. probably not, though, as ive never had sufficient willpower and self discipline.

im absolutely certain that ive failed my additional mathematics, thus, im pretty prepared mentally for the sucker punch thats gonna be harshly dealt to me tomorrow. its quite amazing that met hasnt decided to do anything to me yet, like suspend me from all future competitions or something. but then again, he probably hasnt gotten wind of my atrocious results.

and my parents - sigh. i am not planning to disclose my results to them anytime soon. i need freedom, however temporarily, now. im about to suffocate under their unprecedented authoratative behaviour. theyre going on a little jaunt to bintan anyway.

the imminent netball carnival makes me panic - i seem to have lost my ability to shoot, or even play netvall. 3/4, im sorry if i let you guys down on tuesday. but i'll try my best, really i will. but most of the time, my best isnt nearly good enough.

speaking of netball - it makes me really fatigued, despite the fact that i only played for approximately three hours yesterday. and i hardly ran about. i guess this is testament to my fitness level, or rather, lack of. :( i had difficulty performing simple tasks this evening, sucvh as opening my front door. oh god, i really do need to get myself in shape.

believe in yourself.

2005-05-18T19:59:00.000+08:00

[im going to start ranting and spouting rubbish. ]

im feeling so inferior and stupid right now. but yes, i AM inferior and stupid.

we received our english and chinese results today. it was quite a miracle to discover that i had actually passed chinese, but english really was a gargantuan letdown.

but then again, i always expect too much. my expectations far exceed my capabilities. and i dont know why - i cant seem to rouse from my perpetual self-induced stupor. all along (well, till now at any case) i have always believed that i finally have sort of niche area, however average and little, to work on. but i guess this bout of examinations served as a much-needed wake up call.

i hate it when people expect me to do well, and insist that i must have excelled, especially in the essay segment. because it only serves to exacerbate my self loathing and misery, as it only makes me realise that i cant even measure up to people's expectation thresholds. i enjoy looking at the world through my very own rose tinted glasses, thank you. i know i am deceiving myself, but i dont want to face up to reality just yet. and maybe never.

i suck. dont say that i dont. because i know it myself.

-----------------------------------------------------------

okay, please dont comment on the above rant. ignore it at all costs. :)

damn, more results to receive tomorrow. they will only push my one step closer to the edge.

sorry god.

2005-05-16T21:58:00.000+08:00

10.09 pm
im in a state of lassitude now. and im definitely in no mood to return to school. all i want to do right now is to sleep my life away. i wish. and my life is certain to end in two days. all the more i should not return to school and make the best out of my remaining days, eh?

sheeeeet. im so screwed. i really dont know what to do any longer. im clueless, as usual. god's having his daily little joke again. i wonder when he'll get bored of me - soon, i hope.

anyway, please visit [click] or [click] and sign the petitions available. :)

mothers weep, children sleep
so much violence ends in silence
its a shame theres no one to blame
for all the pain that life brings
if you will just take me it might just complete me
and together we can make a stand

[jewel - stand]

its quite apt, no?

------------------------------------------------------------

2005-05-16T00:27:00.000+08:00

i just bought the latest artemis fowl installment! im still crazy over supposedly juvenile books. i have to say its pretty good stuff, albeit not as enthralling as the previous three books. but its a great read all the same. :)

and yeah, ive finally purchased my chemical romance's cd. the cd is pretty good, but its nowhere near the used's. oh well, perhaps im just plain prejudiced, as i feel that the used is more...angsty. and the used has lyrics that tell of more hurt and pain, as compared to mcr. oh gawd, im such a sadist. but i love them both anyway!

now its time for me to get my hands on dishwalla and better than ezra. :)

and its also time for good, serious work. yay. i feel quite...empty, without something to occupy my time and energy. and i dont mean that in a bad way. i think ive finally sprouted some work obsession, albeit scarcely. i cant wait for september. its our last shot; let's try to surpass all expectations and give it our all.

i am seriously mad and i have undisclosed evidence to back my statement. heh heh.

on a more melancholic note- i dont know what to do. i feel rather messed up, and i know that im not the only one going through this emotional turmoil. i dont have to say anything here; you already know it all. but, hang on. you know i do too.

[edit] 1.27 am

im currently swamped by guilt; i shouldnt be feeling so loony and nutty when there are others out there whose lives really do suck a hell lot more than mine. come to think of it, i really do have a relatively good life, and i shouldnt be feeling as fucked up as i am now. i ought to be embracing everything with open arms, and praising god for granting me all these daily miracles. despite this ought to's and should's, im still wallowing in my own supposed sorrow.

argh. i hate it when im absolutely powerless to do anything. i loathe having to stand by the sidelines and only being able to spectate others' suffering. i hate it when i cant even be a crying shoulder, especially when others allowed me to slobber and wail over them in times of past distress. i really abhor not being able to help. i would dearly like to have a go at helping, despite the fact that i'll probably be more of a help than hindrance.

and maybe i should never have told you all those things; i guess i contributed to your current upset state. im really sorry. i was too selfish to see that hey, you needed help too, and that things werent as hunky-dory for you as i thought they were. im truly sorry.

i really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. when will i ever learn? argh.

its hardest for the strongest people to pick themselves up when they fall. because they fall a hell lot more. and sometimes, the distance fallen is too gargantuan to ever be overcome again. and all this while, you have been giving and adamantly refusing to receive. can you just try to accept now? and not give further? because really, it can be debilitating.

i hope that if/when you read this, you will realise that im directing this entry at you.

(my choice of words is to be observed carefully)

[/edit]

[edit] 2.41 am

(to a different person entirely)

i told you. im not remotely good enough to make you see how wonderful you are. im sorry.

plenty of other people.

someone shoot the plomp! 100 points if you hit her through the nose!

[/edit]

2005-05-14T01:31:00.000+08:00

coming out of my cage
and ive been doing just fine
gotta gotta be down
cos i want it all

why am i panicking?

2005-05-12T21:18:00.000+08:00

at long last, the much loathed examinations are over. they sucked real bad, especially both elementary and additional mathematics. i also screwed my literature unseen segment, and thats a real tragedy. :( however, my nightmare isnt finished. well, not till next friday, at least. i'll only know then if my suffering here on earth is prolonged.

as i mentioned before, i really want to get my hands on tons of cds. however, some of them cost close to $50 apiece. its gonna blow a majorly gargantuan hole in my pocket, but heck, i'll get them all the same. i cant live without my music. :) i dont know why dishwalla's cds cost such a bomb. perhaps theyre not really reputed, thus shipments are scarce? haha i dont know.

it seems that my relationship with my family deteriorates with each passing day. i dont know, it seems as though every little remark they make bruises me further and sears my skin, be it comparisons with my siblings or whatnot. perhaps my sensitivity has heightened even further. which is quite a feat, considering the fact that im already too sensitive for my own good.

i think im losing it.

2005-05-10T12:13:00.000+08:00

i think insanity knows no bounds. well, at least mine doesnt. and god's watching me on primetime, having a great laugh. im honoured.

oh well. three more papers to go. but i dont know. it seems as though this bleak monotony and melancholia will continue even after the exams are over. or is it just my overbearing pessimism transcending whats even remotely logical?

it seems as though im somehow exacerbating the situation, even if i dont seem to be too involved in it. but sometimes, my involvement may be more ambiguous than you can ever imagine. and i guess im the one who initiated the conversation. and twisted the knife.

watching the candle flicker out
in the evening glow
i cant let go
when will the night be over?

haha. sometimes bubblegum pop says it best.

2005-05-08T12:46:00.000+08:00

im truly sorry for not being able to help. i guess ive said this a hundred times before, but i really do mean it. im damn sorry.

a friend is supposed to alleviate another's sorrow and suffering, but sadly, i seem to be only exacerbating your pain and hurt. and for that, i would really like to apologise. its just me and my big mouth; im always saying the wrong things at the wrong time, or things that should never be mentioned at all. i guess i'll have to learn to keep my mouth shut; give me time.

and i have not realised anything, contrary to what you think. i guess i never will; im perpetually blinded. but perhaps there never was anything to realise, and maybe what you want me to realise is all wrong.

please dont think that way - everything i said was true alright. and maybe this time im better placed to pass judgements as im the one outside the box. it's hard to see what's going on if you're the one inside.

please change your mind. this im begging you. this would be my death wish if i had to leave this earth now. but im still here. and im damn sorry.

2005-05-07T14:33:00.000+08:00

i seriously think that im morphing into a pig, or some other sedentary animal. i had approximately twelve hours of sleep, but i still feel terribly fatigued. and it didnt help that i kept rousing spasmodically through the night. panic attacks? perhaps.

i keep feeling that there is a perpetual rain cloud hovering above my head; i dont know. i just feel so nervous, anxious and upset all at once. and that further robs me of what little sense and logic i have left. studying is near impossible, i can barely concentrate for more than ten minutes at one go. my biology and a maths books are sitting ominously on my table, yet im not doing anything to ameliorate my already pressed for time condition.

well, to add a touch of optimism to this rather depressing post, theres only four more papers to go. FOUR. i can so do it. easy peasy. chicken feed. its gonna be a breeze.

yeah right.

i want my chemical romance, dishwalla, the verve pipe, better than ezra and senses fail CDs! lets see if i survive this torrid exam period to get my hands on them.

2005-05-06T17:04:00.000+08:00

what was i thinking all along? that i could actually do it? hurhur. now it seems as if its the biggest joke of the era.

delle, stop living in your own world. wake up and smell the coffee. the bitter aroma that will knock some much needed sense into your perpertually somnolent stupor.

i never knew that my delusion could obscure the truth so much. well, now i do.

[edit] 7.38 pm

oh well, ive just created another layout, right smack in the middle of the hectic exam period. im too resigned to study any more. heh heh heh. what's the point when im going to fail anyway? (please pardon my pessimism)

it is not very pleasing aesthetically, but i just felt that i had to use that picture. and im madly in love with the song. its their supposed new single, i think. i was also getting a tad tired of the old layout - it stuck around for more than two months, i should think. and that's quite a record for the ever fickle delle. :) i tried to create a hint of surrealism but it didnt work out. :( oh well. i'll use this till inspiration comes my way (which may take around another few eras).
[/edit]

[edit] 8.39 pm

im so sorry for always not being able to help, despite my perpetual inquisition. im sorry for not being able to do what a friend should do. im sorry for always complaining. im sorry for being who i am. im sorry for being a constant source of irritation and worry. im sorry for messing up everyone's lives. im sorry for interfering and causing things to get out of hand. im sorry for bothering people. im sorry for being so weak. im sorry for being such a blabbermouth. im sorry that you all had to know such an idiot. im sorry for being here.

[/edit]

2005-05-05T11:25:00.000+08:00

Nightmares

My head thinks I’m alright
But my heart knows not
And I stare at the bottled nightmares
Manufactured cheap, costly plenty
Can you see the devil in their eyes?
How they get loose at night
How they play my sanity like a harp
It makes me all so scared.

2005-05-04T16:00:00.000+08:00

am DEAD tired now. i could crawl into a hole and just die there, but unfortunately, i cant seem to find a suitable hole. :(

im trying my hardest to study biology now, but apparently my concentration and willpower boarded a flight to timbuktu. they are going on a permanent vacation. im gonna miss them.

im drawing, doodling, scribbling on my poor mind maps. and ive suddenly had an epiphany - i cant bloody draw for nuts, almonds, cashews, whatever. sob. yet another thing to add to my failure list. my failure list's so long, it can be your perennial toilet paper supply or something.

i think my sarcasm's slightly over the top. im sorry, im just a little bit high strung now. fucking annoyed with myself.

haha. sorry.

[edit] FUCKED UP. [/edit]

2005-05-03T20:23:00.000+08:00

"now you've got expectations to live up to. "

im sorry, mum and dad. but i'm definitely gonna grow up to be a roadsweeper at this rate. so i guess the only time you will ever be proud of me will be when im six feet under. but its alright, you both just have to wait. wont be long now.

the brokenness inside,
the hope and this collide
and nothing is real
and there is nothing more i want
than just one night
that’s free of doubt and sadness
one night that i can really feel.

(read the disclaimer before making any comments, snide or whatnot. thanks.)

this is bad. i think im starting to reveal too much. not good, not good at all.

2005-05-02T19:04:00.000+08:00

it was don delillo, whiskey, me,
and a blinking midnight clock
speakers on a tv stand,
just a turntable to watch
when the smoke came out our mouths
on all those hooded sweatshirt walks
you were a stroke of luck
we were a goldmine
and they gutted us

and from the sidelines
you see me run
until i’m out of breath
living the good life i left for dead
the sorrowful midwest
well i did my best to keep my head

it was grass stained jeans and incompletes
and a girl from class to touch
but you think about yourself too much
and you ruin who you love well
all these claims at consciousness
my stray dog freedom
let’s have a nice clean cut
like a bag we buy and divvy up

and from the sidelines
i see you run until you're out of breath.
and all those white lines that sped us up
we hurry to our death
well i lagged behind
so you got ahead

[bright eyes - gold mine gutted]

2005-05-01T19:29:00.001+08:00

im not dead yet.

but i soon will be.

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

2005-05-01T12:13:00.000+08:00

Tell me all your thoughts on god,
Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me am I very far
Am I very far now? ’

haha i wish.

--------------------------------

this is confusing, to say the least. i dont know what to think any longer. but then again, i never did really know what to think, eh?

where do i go from now?

most people will probably not be able to make head or tail of this post. and i like it that way. :) enigmatic eh? nah, im just weird.

2005-04-29T19:19:00.000+08:00

"the right thing says everything."

and i do wonder.

this isnt going too well, not at all. and i do know its partly/wholly my fault. and did i say that im sorry?

2005-04-26T21:57:00.000+08:00

This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.

Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Can I be your enemy?
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.

[sugarcult - memory]

2005-04-25T20:07:00.000+08:00

KILL. SMILE.

2005-04-25T00:01:00.000+08:00

delle has the shortest attention and concetration span ever. as much as she loves literature in general, it is a mammoth task for her to cover three chapters of the joy luck club without numerous breaks and naps and whatnot. and she still has one more chapter to cover after sitting at her desk for nearly five hours.

delle is retarded, and exhibits that fact by constantly referring to herself in the third person. someone eliminate her, please.

2005-04-24T14:46:00.000+08:00

So Young

We’ll scorch the skies with our eyes
Set the town and country alight
Dance to the rhythm of the night
Because we are so young

We’ll be the black mascara nation
Splurge and spend without contemplation
Churn out cookie-cutter singing sensations
Because we are so young

We’ll paint the streets with our names
Play our foolish lovers’ games
Slash ourselves to relieve our pain
Because we are so young

We’ll kiss our broken homes goodbye
Purging ourselves of hate and lie
Run from the madness, no time to cry
Because we are so young

We’ll stay up all night till after dark
Light a fire to get a spark
Follow not our heads, but our heart
Because we are so young

And it’s all because we are so young.

-------------------------------------

sheesh. i told you im lame.

2005-04-22T21:18:00.000+08:00

i lost my head
you couldnt come
this lust to my brain
almost feels like a gun

i told the angels
cant stay in heaven
i asked the devil,
the devil

man, i loved the used. :) and my chemical romance too.

dont do this any more. please.

fsbhandfjdsifjknsdrlwakejfdnbupdgsnbs
everyfxblndayghdnpfwishingdbskidhgbhadnt.

2005-04-21T20:36:00.000+08:00

life here on earth is so transcient. anything can happen at absolutely any time. why, my house could be the unfortunate victim of a fire. or a car may just hit me unawares when im crossing the road.

im not saying that im going to die or anything, but if i do, i would just like to say that i love everyone very, very much. :)

2005-04-20T15:54:00.000+08:00

arghhhh.

lucifer?

its not a fashion statement, its a fucking deathwish.

2005-04-18T21:51:00.000+08:00

Oh baby here comes the sound!
I took a train outta New Orleans
and they shot me full of ephedrine.
This is how we like to do it in the murder scene.
Can we settle up the score?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.

You're beautiful

Well I'm a total wreck and almost every day.
Like the firing squad or the mess you made.
Well don't I look pretty walking down the street.
In the best damn dress I own?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

Some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say
We are young and we don't care.
Your dreams and your hopeless hair.
We never wanted it to be this way.
For all our lives.
Do you care at all?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away. So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

[my chemical romance - give 'em hell]

2005-04-15T20:29:00.000+08:00

DIE DELLE DIE. ARGHHH

2005-04-13T20:25:00.000+08:00

i love pain. i wonder what its like in hell?

2005-04-10T20:54:00.000+08:00

i could cry, die now. so close to giving up, yet so far.

2005-04-09T19:51:00.000+08:00

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I..

I need something else
Would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh
All I want inside I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat
I squoze so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got!

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got

(The Used - All That Ive Got)

2005-04-07T21:37:00.000+08:00

i can see the pain in you
i can see the love in you
but fighting the demons will take time
it will take time

god, where are you when i am in dire straits? why does it seem that no matter how hard i look, the answers remain adamantly elusive? are you even giving me answers at all?

i cant walk this path alone, god. i need you to carry me too. the line's too fine for me to walk. its so easy to fall into the abyss, the oblivion beneath me. or have i already fallen without knowing so?

many people are willing to die once they get a taste of heaven. we'll, ive ascent to the joyful skies so many times, but why am i so scared to let go of this ____?

2005-04-03T19:06:00.000+08:00

you can stay and watch me fall
and of course i'd ask for help

im telling you: PLEASE DONT. :(

im seriously contemplating dropping out of school and making my own living. im sure as hell that being a roadsweeper cant be as bad as suffering through seven hours of school everyday in a persistent stupor, listening to teachers drone on and on endlessly about subjects i am not even remotely interested in. and having utterly tortorous timetables only serve to exacerbate the situation.

or maybe the problem lies with me.

since i cant fulfil my childhood ambition of being a _________, i guess a roadsweeper sounds pretty appealing. after all, i can get in touch with my apparently hidden and much disguised nature loving side, eh?

hey, im not kidding.

p.s. well, anonymouse wanted a mention, so here it is. x)

2005-03-31T23:08:00.000+08:00

The singer finished singing and she's walking out
The singer sheds a tear fear of falling out
And it's hard to say how I feel today
Our years gone by, and I cry

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same

My worries weigh the world how I used to be
And everything (I'm cold) seems a plague in me
And it's hard to say how I feel today
Our years gone by, and I cry

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only...
Since you've been gone it's not the same

Worse than the fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
Words than a fear it's the knife
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cry

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone I'm not the same
It's hard to say (God it's hard to say)
Since you've been gone, I'm not the same

2005-03-29T21:20:00.000+08:00

dear mum,

respect goes two ways. dont go calling the kettle black if you're the pot yourself. think about it. im not saying that youre wrong or anything, its just that sometimes your unjustified actions piss me off majorly.

and i never meant for it to be that way. dont take the wrong end of the rifle. because i never intended to shoot. and probably never will.

sincerely, me.

2005-03-27T00:12:00.000+08:00

this dead journal of mine has been miraculously resurrected, albeit with a spanking new blog address.

why did i revive it?

well, i was overcome with an irresistable urge to fiddle with photoshop again, after abstaining from it for...one or two months. x) old habits never die, eh?

my posts will probably be extremely erratic, as i'll only update when i am free or feel like it. which may be hardly at all, considering the hectic months to come. so you dont have to visit this humble little abode religiously, as you'll most probably be constantly disappointed. :)

i'll post all sorts of shit stuff, song lyrics that i have an affinity with, my own literary works which i consider to not be majorly embarrassing or cringe-worthy (which will be really rare, i tell you), or just random oddities about my boring, daily life.

so...yeah. stay tuned or stay away. :)

2005-03-26T23:07:00.000+08:00

Euphoria
Sings a lilting tune
Strums on the guitar
Dances on nimble feet
It’s the music of your mind

Euphoria
Rides a rollercoaster
Hurtles with the wind
Curls its toes in ecstasy
It’s the exhilaration of your body

Euphoria
Guffaws in mirth
Chuckles in jocularity
Flashes a set of pearly whites
It’s the rhythm of your heart.

Euphoria
It’s you.